When Sex Becomes a Performance – and How I Found My Way Back to Intimacy again!

When I was younger and first began exploring my sexuality, I noticed that many men were very polite in bed. They had learned that a woman should orgasm before they could allow themselves to do the same.

Just sitting and looking into each others eyes can also be a gateway into intimacy

On the surface, that might sound considerate and polite.

But in my experience, it often created something else….

It created pressure.

In a long-term relationship I was in I started to feel that this part of lovemaking became like a task. Something he had to do before he could receive his own pleasure. It became tiering.Almost like an agreement:

“If I do this for you, then you do this for me.”

And for me, that didn’t feel like love.

It felt like a transaction…

I could also feel that it wasn’t always natural for him. He would sometimes get tired – in his tongue, in his hands – and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want him to push through discomfort just to fulfill an expectation from me.

At the same time, I realized something important about myself: It was actually much easier for me to bring myself to a clitoral orgasm than it was for him.

So I started asking myself a simple question:

Why are we doing this?

Another important piece was connection. When his attention was focused entirely on my genitals, I often lost contact with him.

There was no eye contact.

No connection with his heart.

I was lying there… waiting.

Instead of feeling that I was with him, I felt alone.

And that was not the kind of intimacy I longed for.

Over time, through honest conversations with my partner, we began to change things.

We let go of that part of our lovemaking.

And something unexpected happened...

Sex became easier.

Softer.

More relaxed.

There was nothing I had to achieve.

Nothing he had to achieve.

Nothing either of us had to perform.

I could simply receive him, feel him, and be with him.

And if I wanted a clitoral orgasm, I could give that to myself – on my own terms, when I actually felt like it. Not as a requirement, not as a step in a sequence before penetration.

Many years later, when I discovered Tantra, I recognized something familiar:

In Tantra, orgasm is not the goal either.

And I remember thinking:

Yes… this is what I have already felt in my own body for so many years.

This was a relief for me.

This kind of lovemaking created more connection.

More freedom.

More space to simply be us.

My tantra teacher, Shalini, even said to us in the beginning:

"Now that we are practicing Tantra, we don't depend on clitoral orgasm anymore."

At first, that was challenging.

But over time, I discovered something else:

A different kind of pleasure.

Not localized.

Not goal-oriented.

But something that moves through the whole body.

Like waves.

Like energy

Today, I experience lovemaking as something much more fluid and alive.

Sometimes, when I feel tired or low in energy, I may stimulate myself to awaken my energy – I experience clitoral orgasm as activating and even energizing.

But in lovemaking with a partner, it is no longer what I seek.

I prefer presence over performance.

Connection over achievement.

Awakened sexual energy over chasing a goal.

I know this may be a controversial perspective.

And I'm not saying it is right for everyone.

But for me, this shift changed everything.

And now I’m curious…

What is your experience with this?